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Wednesday, August 18th, 2004
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2:18 pm
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| Monday, August 16th, 2004
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6:58 pm
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6:02 pm - So.....
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I havent been on this one since like 4 days before my birthday. I didnt know the password anymore, but I just got it agian. I really dont know what's wrong with me. Oh wait, I do! The one guy that I ever fell in love with (Dan Vogel) is going to the Navy. He wants to die. Yeah those were his words too. Oh yeah, he also wants to kill people too. Why do I tend to like guys with anger issues? Well, for one thing, I met him while in FV, second, just yeah, that's the only thing. He played/sung the song that he wrote about me/for me while he was in rehab, April 2003, for me last night. I miss him. I really do. I thought that I was over him and that I could move on, but I am still not over him, his cockyish persona, his laugh, his ever constant need to make me laugh and smile, and everything else about him.
He had to tell me that he was going last night. I have to already give Axel away sometime today, and now to know that Dan is going into the Navy. Not cool. Life sucks, then you die. But what if a part of you dies first? How will you learn to live without that part of you?
current mood:  confused
current music: Plain White T's- Shine
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(comment on this)
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6:01 pm - Plain White T's lyrics
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"Shine"
You know it tears me up inside
to see the feelings that you hide
Hide inside that empty bottle
I wish you saw how great you were
I wish you saw what life was worth
You wouldn't have to hide your problems
And I don't care what you might think
I think you've had too much to drink
Can't even talk when you're this way
Run away, run away
But that won't make it any better
Run away, run away
And make tomorrow harder to live than today
There's so much out there you could miss
there's so much life out there to live
If you would just believe in yourself
You know you're better than all of this
you know you've got so much to give
But you're so afraid to give of yourself
There's a bright light shining inside you
it shines out through your eyes
Don't drown it away, don't be afraid, don't hide
Let it shine
You say you're looking for happiness
but when it comes, you run away from it
You tell yourself you don't deserve it
There's not much more that I can do now the rest is up to you
Until you love yourself, you'll never change
You'll keep on running
Until you deal with today
current mood: confused
current music: Plain White T's- Your Fault
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, July 11th, 2004
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1:41 am - Sitting in all my deepness
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I love how deep I am at the moment. I am just sitting here singing to myself telling myself that "Ima Gunna Beea Pineapple, A Pineapple, A Pineapple. Ima Gunna Beea Pineapple All The Life Long Dayayyyyy!!!"
Isn't that just peachykeen?! I am really bored at the moment just chillin. Jusschillin.
I have a serious question though. Will anyone be a pineapple with me? I will feel just uber lonely if no one will be. I mean, sure, I am almost positive that Bethany will be a pineapple with me if I get her drunk or high enough, but will she when she is totally straight? Huh?HUH? HUH?? Beth? Will you?!?!?!!?!?! So HA!!!HAHAHAHAHA!!!
And I think that my Samsterthehamstermister will too... Since she DOES make pineapple pizza's. SO HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
I WANT TO BE A MOTHER FUCKING PINEAPPLE NOW DAMNIT!!!!
I AM THE GOD OF ALL MOTHER PINAPPLES!!! I RULE THE WORLD WITH MY PINEAPPLENESS!!!!! BOW DOWN YOU PINEAPPLE NONERS!!!
Or is that non pineapplers????? Who cares... I dont I am right though, and you are wrong. You lose!! Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
current mood:  bouncy
current music: I looked at the security level thing n though it said pubic.
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, June 25th, 2004
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2:53 pm - Update!
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Hey! I havent updated here for a while... I think? I dont really remember... Oh well! So, my life has been shitty lately. For those of you who have my csubstyles8816 sn you know that much already. But for those of you who dont have it, or arent on my friends list. You arent for a reason... It is my "reserved" one...lol. I really amuse myself!
So even though my life has been really shitty and what not. There has been a WHOLE BUNCH of fucking chill shit going on! Including the fact that I got my OPM CD today!!!! I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT!!!! ForThemAsses or um... ForTheMasses for adults? I dont know? I love it though! I am on my fourth round of listening to it! GOD IT MAKES ME SOOOO HAPPY!!!
For thoughs of you who havent seen me lately... I guess I am having a problem with my weight. I dont like to admit it, but it is getting really out of hand. So even when I can start posting pictures up here, I dont think I will. I dont want some comments about my size or quote un quote "Being annorexic". Because I am not. I am just losing weight. So, if I really havent chilled with you in a while, and I dont make any efforts, it's because I dont want you to see my size or anything. I know you will comment and I dont want it. I got it all day on Friday. So, last week. But anyways... I love my OPM CD!!!! It totally rocks like more than rocks. It's AWESOME!! I get to hear Necro sing, and Geoff play his guitar!!!! *dies for guitar players!!* God, I love guys who play the guitar and drums or sing or any thing like that. So fyi if you are a guy and not musically inclined, I am sorry, but you are a HUGE no in my book. The musically inclined have like a deeper soul than guys who dont do anything with music. That is my reason. Same with artists. God, I love artists. Just like the whole starving artist thing is sooo fucking hot! It's like they dont care about money all they care about is doing the thing that they love doing. It shows dedication and love for life. It is just like sooo much deeper in like with the Fine Arts! It is soooo attractive! Now back to my OPM CD. You should really buy it and listen to it all day! So so so so so uber yummy!
Roxy I am jealous! Because of the whole Necro thing. I would be even more if it were Geoff or Timothy! (*giggle* I love that name for him... Timothy... He really doesnt look like a Timothy! *giggle*)
current mood: bouncy
current music: OPM- I Dont O U
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, June 14th, 2004
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5:02 pm - Once again stolen from Bethany
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| Saturday, June 12th, 2004
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12:22 am - oh my god like blah blah balh balh balh! like jordan!
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oh my god oh my god! like oh my god! blah blah blah blah! Like oh my god! like i need to go get a manicure and like oh my god!
I am sooo fucking hyper!!! like oh my god! like eww! i am like on the phone. like oh my god! like i swear i am like not on like drugs! 2,3,3,2 ish! i dont like remember! lemmie hear ya say UHHHH UHHHH nananana nananana! lets see how many times i can like say the word like like! that means i like fooling around with girls but not seriously because i like guys more. its fun like that! uhhhh! nananana nananana!!! I swear i am not crunk! or hiight!
i am going to press the letter a a bunch of times!
aaa aaaa aaaaa aaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa a a BBBBB
lol! that was soooo fun! cooch! cooch! fucker! cooch! oh god! maybe i should go inside so i dont get bit. i am a fucking genious a fucking genious! fuckers bastards.
cooch.
yeah... youre crazy youre fucking crazy! oh man that is really anooying though right between my nuckles and it itches! lol
current mood: hyper
current music: uhhh uhhhh na na na na na na na na!
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, June 11th, 2004
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1:31 am
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i can feel myself sinking deeper
falling endlessly into the dark hole of my life
knowing that all uncertanty is near
knowing that my excape isnt working
fearing that i will show again
that the real me will come out
that i will fall back into the hell i call my heart
back into the routine that i call home
is it bad to say that for the most part i regret living
that yes, there have been good times, but thy all come to an end
I should have expected this.
summer brings alot of free time
free time brings thoughts
thinking brings depression
depression brings back shit i am not ready to handle again
( I need to )
current mood: confused
current music: Get Up- Daddy X
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, June 7th, 2004
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10:21 pm - God Damn I had a CRAZY ASS Week!
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So many things to say but I really dont want to get into details! I have good reason not to get into details too! two seperate groups of friends know two seperate things that happened... Somewhat. Big things of this past week were I went to the Kottonmouth Kings show, Broke up with Chris, got robbed (well it was mostly Lianne's money), I was told by Aaron that Andrew told him that I am not getting the money back and that I could go eat a cock. Well, little does he know, but um... I have Nick on my side, and since I have Nick backin me up, his stepdad Bill will too, so will Jordan. Only problem with talking to Nick again is that I really dont want this summer to be remotly close to last summer. I need new people to chill with, not Nick and all of them.
Finals today were okay... Not the best, but I will still get an A in both classes. Or at least in Choir. I will still have at least a very high B in US History. I am so glad that I have Mrs. Williams' final first thing in the morning, all I have to do is study for my Lit final which is the second final for the day. So that wont be too tough.
AWWW!!! BILL is soooo COOL! I just got off the phone with him, I was trying to get a hold of Nick but he isnt there. Yeah, Bill told me that he is keeping an eye out for Andrew and what not. Aww! He also said that if I cant get a hold of Nick and want something along the lines of weed, acid, e, crack, coke, you name it... just to call him. (He smokes Crack...lol) I wouldnt do that shit though. I am too scared... I will try acid, weed, e, shrooms, but that is about it. Once again! Bill is SO SO SO SO COOL!!! I think I still have his cell phone somewhere around my room from when he would pick me up so I could chill with Nick. He is by far the coolest stepdad I have ever met of any of my friends. lol! And Bill has CRONIC weed! Like no other! I remember one night I was over at Nick's and Nick had no weed (for like the first time in his life...) so we asked Bill if we could have like a bowl or two and damn! After 3 small hits (last summer I couldnt really take big hits at all...) and I was BLOWN!!! I remember looking at it and there was not a part of the bud that wasnt covered in crystals! Damn! I was impressed. Fun kid right there. Fun kid.
current mood: Awww!
current music: Life Styles- Kottonmouth Kings
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, June 3rd, 2004
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6:14 pm - Thank You Roxy!
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Oh my god hun! I am sooo glad that I was talking to you online durring the phone call. You are right, I really do need to think about everything. Not rush myself into staying or going, to follow my heart. At the moment my heart is really torn apart. Because of all the minapulation that has been going on. I really dont need to have this going on on top of everything else that is happening. I feel like I should be crying or something, but I cant. Not over this. Well, only a part of me feels like I should be crying, the other part is like FUCK IT! I dont need that shit! The whole thing of me not crying right now, kinda just goes to show how not important they are to my life. Like woah! Ever since I got off the phone, I just feel really sick. Like my stomach started hurting and I feel really nausiated. So, I guess it is really bugging me that I am trying still not to think about what I should do. I would just feel so guilty! Like, I know I shouldnt but, because of all the manipulation I have been enduring, I cant help but feel guilty! I just want to go back to the concert, where for the first time in YEARS I was TRUELY happy. I finally let go of everything, forgot all my troubles, didnt worry about the pain or ths sorrow, I just lived for today, and forgot about tomarrow. Okay, until this very moment, I never really compleatly comprehended that aspect, but I just wrote it, I didnt even think of what I was writing, I just typed it down. Right now, I really need a happy spot! God I wish that my parents would have let me go to the Detroit show today, then I wouldnt even have had to deal with this shit I am getting. I really dont need this. Can I stress it enough?! Come on! How fucking immature was that? To threaten to mess with him, then after I actually said my peace, to deny that they ever fucking said it!?! I wouldnt have gone off if Chris haddnt mentioned wanting to kick his ass! Why the fuck would I waste my fucking energy to bitch, if I didnt even have to?!I wouldnt! Thats the whole fucking point! I dont like yelling at people, I dont like confrentation. I fucking hate it! I hate saying my peace because every fucking time someone trys to slap me down! EVERY FUCKING TIME! Allison, you know how you said to me that every time that Beth and I vent online that we dont get shot down from it like you do... Well hunny, my secrets out. I do get shot down. That is why every time that I do bitch, it tends to be stronger and stronger feelings, because I bottle it up for so fucking long. I deleate all the harassment shit I get on this journal. Some vital rules that I have grown up on have been broken. Like, whenever I say I dont want to talk on an away message, that means whoever the fuck you are, if you fucking care about me as much as you say you do should pick up the fucking phone and call my ass to see if I am okay. Chances are, whenever I put up an away message along those lines of fuck off I dont want to talk or do not call, that means I am NOT alright, that I want you to call me. That is my subtle way of saying, I am hurting, check up on me and see if I am okay. I say that shit on away messages so that the wrong people dont call. But if you are the right person, you should have fucking called! Not sat around waiting for me to call you! I dont work that way! Havent I made it obvious? I cant say what I mean for the most part! I cant open myself up that much. I am working my ass off to get to that point, but I am not there yet. Deal with it!
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, May 10th, 2004
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4:40 pm - Wow, that was different.
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Okay so around 4 I relized that I am not welcome in this house/ Family.
I left my room so I could clean around the house to get money because I am getting my hair done on Friday. HUGE MISTAKE. Now you all are thinking that it was Santi as usual. But no. He is at a concert in Detriot. So yeah. My little brother got all on my back. Nico! He was always the nice one. I cant handle this. I really cant.
current mood:  crappy
current music: M. Manson
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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12:12 am
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I really need to leave. I cant stand it anymore. My parents arent supportive anymore, My brother is getting overwhelming, I stay literally locked in my room all day, I feel nausiated all the time when I am home.
I hate this feeling of not being in control. I hate this feeling of being paranoied all the time. I hate this feeling of not being truely happy. I hate this feeling that I am sick. I hate it I hate it I hate IT!!!!
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, May 9th, 2004
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10:49 pm
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8:59 pm - Long Day.
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I have been so utterly confused lately. God! This really sucks. I really dont know what to do about anything anymore. If I am not pissing off other people, I am pissing myself off. I just spent three hours at my Grandma's house alone in my mom's old bedroom reading a book on teenage female aggression. And by doing so, I realized for like the billionth time this week that I really need to change EVERYTHING about myself. I keep saying that I will, and I keep making lists upon lists of what I really need to do to make myself a better person, but I just dont have the energy to do anything anymore. Ever since last summer I have really given up on helping myself. I am just so sick of this BiPolar thing. It consumes me so often. And to have random people remind me all the time that I am really unstable and that I have WAY too much moodswings doesnt help me at all. I KNOW those things. Dont you think that going to Forest View twice and both time for TWO fucking weeks may have made me relize some of those things with out you having to point them out to me?! Everyone is allways telling me that I need to slow down and relax or that I need to enjoy life. I'm sorry. It's not that fucking easy.
For the past two weeks I have just felt like all I want to do is cry. But I cant. I wont let myself. Because to me, Crying just shows that I am not strong. I was getting to be strong. I wasnt paying attention to what people thought or felt. I was doing fine! And then I started to care again. In a way I am so glad that I care again. I love Chris. I really care about him, I honestly do. I never want to do anything that would hurt him. I feel really bad tho. I mean, I have so many secrets and so many mood swings and SO MUCH baggage. Chris is like the only guy that has really ever totally accepted me for me and has not cared about all my baggage. I mean people could say that Zach compleatly cared about me, but the thing is, He didn't. For as long as we were best friends, after a while he gave up. Moved on with his life. But I guess it was better for him. He never needed someone like me in his life. He needed someone more like Allison or Kendra. Who is good. And who has a stable personality. Not someone who would cut, huff, smoke, get high, sneak out, have sex, go from guy to guy, and everything else that I would do.
I dont understand my parents. I guess no one does really, but I thought that I did before, or atlease my mom. She use to be there for me. She use to listen to me and help me. For a while last year she was the only one I could really talk to. I miss that so much. I use to be able to talk to her. Now practically every time we talk we end up getting into a fight.
I really need to talk to Dr. Field about putting me back on Geodon. I dont care about the side effects it had on me. Atleast then I couldnt think. This whole thinking thing tonight is really not fun. I wish that I could be a zombie again. I still havent healed compleatly. It still all hurts. Zach, Lexi, Rebecca, Brandy, Jen, Lauren, Laura, Sara, Jenna, Nikki, Matt, Dan R., Dan V., Sam, Allison, Kendra, Alissa, Mark, Mike, Sean, everyone... And people wonder why I have issues with trust.
current mood: confused
current music: Crash and Burn
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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12:37 pm - NO FUCKING SHEEP ALOWED!
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Dude! That's not cool! 1. You DONT start smoking pot just because your friends do. 2. You DONT hoe out your friends and tell them that you are "too tired" to go smoke with them... Just so you can smoke with another friend. You just tell them straight up that you are going to smoke with someone else and not them. 3. You NEVER EVER EVER go and buy a T-shirt of a band you DONT listen to just because you think that they are all about the pot. I mean the Kings are alot about the gonja and shit, but Still! You didnt even know who the hell they were until Beth and Faith talked about it. 4. You DONT clame that you are a stoner unless you have been totally stoned. Being HIGH and Being STONED are two different things.
Sorry for being so bitchy but that really pisses us off. STOP BEING A FUCKING CLONE!!! DAMN SHEEP!
More: 1. You shouldnt be Racist! It's really not cool! Cornrows Shouldnt be a hair style for one race. It's so fucking racist to laugh at someone because they are white with cornrows. 2. DONT fucking Steriotype the Kings! They fucking rock. DONT think that since you smoke pot that you should like them because they do it too. You DONT change your music style just because you started smoking pot! 3. If you want to say that you are a king or queen, then fucking support them by buying a CD or dragging yourself fucking half way across the country to go see them. Dont think that you are cool becuse you just went out and baught a fucking t-shirt. All you are doing is disrespecting them and us real fans!
More later!
current mood:  busy
current music: Kottonmouth Kings! (Yes, I DO Listen to them Unlike posers!)
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Thursday, May 6th, 2004
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9:20 pm - OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!
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Holly *pant* fucking *pant* hell!!!*pant pant pant* That was sooo fucking good! AND ITS PINK!!!! Allison,I know that you dont want to lose your virginity before you are married so indulge alittle and buy one of these! Holly fucking hell! JEFF YOU FUCKING ROCK!!!! Alright. Off to go ues it again../I am talking to Chris on the phone now.
current mood:  horny
current music: Happy Happy Joy Joy.- Ren and Stimphy
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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7:34 pm - Wow, I am emo!
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current mood:  artistic
current music: Simple Plan- I'm Just A Kid
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, May 5th, 2004
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6:13 pm - 7 Deadly Sins
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| Tuesday, May 4th, 2004
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10:39 pm - My Survey
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